This post is about sexual assault. It’s my first time facing it on paper since it happened. It’s part of my healing and a way for me to move forward.
I want to pull the emotion out of my chest and place it in yours. I want you to feel the depth of what I’ve experienced. I want you to know, without words and without touch. I want you to understand.
But I don’t want you to go through what I had to go through to come to this point.
A few months after it happened, I wanted to express the depth of the oblivion I was feeling. I didn’t quite have words yet, but I felt nothing so deeply. Everything felt like it just got absorbed into a gaping hole in my chest.
I didn’t realize this feeling, or lack of feeling would last for a few years. I remember running without direction the day it happened. I didn’t have shoes on and it was freezing, but I just kept running.
Later I switched to driving. I would drive all night, and then I would go home and begin my day. When I was driving I was safe. No one could get into a moving car, and no one knew where I was. I could scream, or cry, or laugh, and no one ever had to know.
Over time the fog lifted. Slowly, with each experience and day, I faced a little bit more. I realized that to feel the good, I had to move through the bad. There is no skipping it or numbing it without skipping and numbing everything else.
I always thought that once I got my voice back, I would want to share the terrible things that have happened. Instead, I find myself telling people how real love is and how incredible feeling is.
I remember laying in the middle of Root to Rise yoga studio and feeling my chest get lighter as I allowed myself to feel and then release the pain. I released guilt and feeling unworthy. I chose to see myself as light and love.
I remember hugging people so much tighter and making sure they know how much I love them, because I can feel again. I am grateful to feel, and I always want to feel. It’s not something I ever want to take for granted. I feel more deeply now than I did before.
I remember looking for the light and the good in all people and things, even him. I forgive him because it’s the only way I truly feel like myself again. It’s been a long journey coming to this, but I’m proud of who I have become through it.
If you read this, know it’s okay. I have moved into a space of love, and I hope more than anything you have been able to do the same. I hope you face the demons that caused you to be in a space where you could do what you did. I hope you find love and peace and true happiness.
I hope someday, every person lives from a space of so much love that things like this don’t happen. Until then, I will always lean into love and feeling and trust. I will always keep my heart open and I will always take risks. Love is stronger and more consuming than the other stuff.
There is so much left for me to explore, and this will not be the last you hear of it. But thank you for allowing me to share this first step with you. I appreciate the community that has developed since I started this blog. It has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Thank you for being open with me, and for sharing your lives through comments and emails. I love you all so much.