If you’ve ever talked to me, or accidentally looked at me for 2 seconds too long, this probably won’t come as a surprise. I’m an open book. I tell people anything they want to know.
Lately I’ve realized I probably tell people more than they want to know. I meet someone and want them to understand the person I am. I don’t try to hide my past, regardless of how many people turn away because of it. I have never been one for taking my time, or letting people in slowly.
My feelings for people follow the same patterns. I can meet someone, and within a few days feel intense love for them. There are people I met this weekend I’d be willing to do absolutely anything for. That’s just the way it’s always been for me. Friendships and romantic relationships alike.
Once I feel that connection with someone, it’s in me for life. There are times I move on from friendships and relationships that are no longer serving me, or that are harming me; but I never stop feeling this intense feeling of love.
Over the past year or so, I have become self conscious about this trait. I used to love it about myself, seeing it as a strength. But then I started to question whether it was right. Should I be giving so much of my heart and soul to people who I just met, or who might not reciprocate? Was this healthy?
I decided it wasn’t healthy, and began to shut down. I put up walls and stopped pouring my heart into things. After about a month of living like this I realized I was not happy. I felt like I was cheating myself out of connection and love. My life felt boring and pointless.
Although it wasn’t what I ultimately want, living that way taught me to live without expectations. When I wasn’t giving anything, it was hard to expect something. Moving forward I began to merge these two ways of living into one magic recipe.
I allow myself to love and share unconditionally and deeply. I open up when I feel like I want to and I am honest with others about my past. I give myself permission to change every day, but I always thank my past (the good & the bad) for the lessons it has allowed me to learn and the depth of understanding I’ve been given.
The difference is, I’m no longer holding onto people’s judgments of me. I don’t expect them to accept me, love me or agree with me. While I am not perfect at this, I am now aware and practicing it has made my life infinitely better.
Being honest without expectation has led me to learn who I am. I have learned so much about my passions and desires. I have jumped into nothing and been caught by everything.
During the past few months I have created deeper friendships. I am at peace with my relationships and in love with my life. I feel empowered and open, ready for whatever life and love decide to throw at me.
Thank goodness for growth. I’m excited to see where this new mindset leads. Thanks for reading 🙂